As I have spent more time leaning into my faith I’ve noticed how much of a “striver” I am. Seeing every aspect of my life as something to be improved. For a long time I believed that the smarter, prettier, thinner, more successful, more faithful, more impactful I was the happier I’d be. Sometimes I still do.
The elusive “happier”. So easy to get caught up in this belief. Perhaps, we are born with those thoughts. But lately the whisper in my heart is less about becoming and more about being.
Becoming is the art of coming into something you wish you were. A focus on the future and who you want to show up to the world as. We work backwards to say “if I want to be ‘x’ then I need to do ‘y’. And then we hope our steps will allow us to grow into that version of ourselves.
And I have spent my life chasing her. The elevated version of myself. I am, indeed, proud of who I’ve grown into but in this season the less I desire to make myself better and the more I want to just BE in the moment. I want to enjoy now instead of dreaming about how great the future could be.
Daily, as I’m doing the things I say I want to do… Slowing down. Reading to my children and myself. Practicing silence and solitude. Making meals at home. Getting in a workout. Lingering outside. Making time to write, etc… The thought will cross my mind, “If only I do this thing (enter in a number) of times then I’ll be (enter in the results I’m hoping for).
I’ve been pausing every time that thought pops into my head. And I remind myself, all I have is this moment. Right now, I am being the woman I want to become. And I smile. Our family has relentlessly cut out activities and materials and thoughts that don’t matter to us. And more and more I’m finding out that I’m living my life as the person I always wanted to become. I’m just enjoying being her.
A few moments that made me proud of this life we’ve created this week:
- Sitting in our yard under my favorite shady tree, reading while listening to the neighbors wind chimes
- Drinking my coffee outside in the sunshine
- Watching Shiloh in a bonnet and diaper while she and Judah chase our chickens around the yard
- Inviting our neighbor out for a walk and a picnic lunch
- A load of laundry start to finish
- A workout during Shiloh’s nap while Judah painted next to me
- Watching Judah snooze on the couch in front of Bluey after 6 hours playing outside
- Racing rolly pollys with Judah and Joey in the evening
- The amount of times I thought “yes, this moment was exactly my choice”
Life doesn’t happen to us. We create it with our decisions and our reactions and our thoughts. It’s important to me to have a vision for my future. After all, those without vision perish. But if I don’t enjoy the moments on the way it really is just a wasted, rushed life. I’m spending my summer as the birds and the flowers – unworried about future needs and improvements – just basking in the goodness and provision of the now.